Many parents and educators are well aware of the concept of rewarding children as a positive reinforcement strategy, i.e. when the child has done something good that you wish to encourage, you reward him/her. It can work remarkably well for young children between 3 to 10 yrs of age, and so this is the age group I am referring to in this post. When administered appropriately, I always marvel at how effective this can be. But, sometimes when I hear parents sharing with me their rewards system and claiming that ‘Rewards are useless! They don’t work on him anymore!’, I am always curious as to how this came to be so. Inevitably, I find some common mistakes that parents tend to make, and would like to highlight some finer points on how to administer rewards.
1) So, first of all, what should you be rewarding? The single most important point is that rewards should be for the effort put in, and not the results. Why? Because rewards work to encourage a behaviour and ‘results’ is not a behaviour. Some parents theoretically understand the rationale behind it, but find it hard to put into practice. They tell the child, “As long as you work hard, don’t worry about the results”, but fail to walk the talk by choosing to reward the child only when the results come back according to/above their expectations. This also has the effect of creating an unhealthy, results-oriented spirit amongst young children.
Take note that rewards should be for a specific, positive behaviour, rather than the absence of a negative behaviour. This gives younger children a better idea of what they need to do to earn the reward. For example, instead of rewarding for “don’t wet your pants”, give a reward for every time he/she pees or poops into a potty. Instead of rewarding for “not being picky with food”, give a reward for every meal when he/she has finished all the food in the bowl.
2) What kind of reward is suitable? In general, the monetary value of the reward is irrelevant as young children (unlike adults) cannot appreciate and do not care about the monetary value of rewards. I understand that parents often feel the rewards must commensurate with the level of achievement, but no matter how pleased you may be, do not set the bar too high by promising a mobile phone, or an overseas holiday! The trouble with telling children how expensive a reward/gift is and expecting them to appreciate it, is that it can backfire on you later. When you get another opportunity to give a reward in future, the child may feel short changed if it is not of an equivalent or higher monetary value. Suitable rewards can be anything ranging from a sticker, gummy bears, new stationary, a small toy or going to the beach. For small, daily achievements, you may want to start a sticker log, i.e. collect 5 or 10 stickers to exchange for something. The younger the child, the shorter the horizon, i.e. don’t let them wait too long to get something. Some parents try to dangle a big reward in the hope of motivating the child towards accomplishing something major/difficult, but for young children, the opposite is true. The general principle is to make it doable for them to keep getting the rewards, which then increases their motivation to work for it. I especially encourage ‘experience rewards’ for children as they remember it so much better than simply receiving an object, with the added side benefit of family bonding time as well. It can be eating at McDonald’s, going to the beach or anywhere that they enjoy going to.
Remember that verbal praise is also a reward in itself. Don’t just throw around slogans like “Good job!” without context. You have to clearly let them know what they are doing right. For example, “When your little sister snatched that toy right out of your hand, it would have been easy to get angry and scream at her, but instead of fighting, you acted calmly and just let her have it, well done!”
3) When should you give that reward? When the child voluntarily gives up screen time to do his/her work or to read storybooks, when the child had been polite and respectful towards others, when the child tidies up his/her room or brushes his/her teeth without any reminder, when the child has worked hard in the last two weeks to prepare for a test, the time to reward is now! You do not have to wait to see the results. Instead, recognise the effort he/she has put in and give the praise and/or reward immediately in order to strengthen the connection between their behaviour and the reward they get for it.