We are in the month of June, with just about three months to go before the all-important PSLE for our Primary Six students. The stakes are still viewed as high, even with the government’s efforts in recent years to reduce an unhealthy emphasis on academic results. Some students may have entered the start of the year raring to go, while some students may have started the year with a sense of trepidation, compounded by the uncertainty caused by COVID-19 at that time. But by now, even the most motivated of students may be starting to feel the effects of a burnout. If you have a child who has been ‘good’ all along, you may find him/her beginning to show some task avoidance, such as leaving homework till the last minute. A child who has been short-tempered before may show increased signs of verbal and physical aggression, such as towards younger siblings or classmates. On the other hand, there might also be some who become more quiet and withdrawn. Even parents, you may have changed without realising it. It is not surprising that your anxiety about whether your child is sufficiently prepared for the examinations has changed your behaviour as well, such as nagging more and shouting more. Your family lifestyle may have changed as well. Weekends used to be filled up with leisurely breakfasts, time for a fun enrichment class or two, Netflix movies at home, but are now packed with a mountain of homework, tuition classes, intensive revision ‘camps’ etc.
These changes, over time, can affect your sense of well-being and your relationships with each other. I encourage parents to check in with your child regularly. By checking in, I do not mean asking “how are you” over dinner time. Some children show their anxiety through behavioural changes, some children are better at hiding it. So even if they seem fine, take at least 10 minutes where you put away all distractions to really look at your child and ask them, “How are you doing? Did you face any difficulty or struggle today that you would like to talk to me about? This is our time and I am here for you.” This lets them know that you are present and makes them feel like they are more likely to be heard, so they will be more willing to share with you. If they reply “nothing” or “I’m ok”, there is no need to get pushy, you can start the ball rolling by perhaps sharing about your day, or a small difficulty you faced.
While it is very tempting to make your child ‘push through’ the final stretch, sacrificing playtime and sleep to squeeze in as much preparation as possible, DON’T do that. Active play, exercise and sufficient sleep are all important. There are many studies that show the significant role active play and exercise has on academic achievement and mental wellness. According to our National Guidelines, it is recommended that a 12 years old child has 60 minutes of moderate-vigorous physical activity and at least 9 hours of sleep every day. Physical activity can be playing ball, swimming, running, cycling, blading, or just hitting the playground. At this age, most of them do still enjoy active play but they need your support, either in terms of bringing them out or getting them the required equipment or having someone to tell them that it is ok to put aside the books for a while and just play! If your child feels bad about playing too much, help them rationalise and come up with a schedule together that is balanced and realistic.
Finally, I also encourage parents to do regular self-reflection. Have you been ‘acting out’ towards your child more often, is your own anxiety rubbing off on your child and everyone else in the family? Your child can sense it and it does affect him/her. Sometimes, I do hear parents lamenting that their child “is not ‘kan chiong’ (anxious) enough!” There is a difference between wanting your child to be more self-motivated (positive) and wanting your child to ‘feel anxious’ (negative). Even in these final few months, try to find out what motivates your child and can support his/her learning. For example, if your child says he/she wants to listen to some music while studying, or prefers studying with classmates at a cafe, let him/her go ahead! It is easy to dismiss what they want because you ‘just know it won’t work’, but the truth is, everyone learns differently. If you need complete quiet to focus on your work, it does not mean your child is the same as you. At least let them try or work out a compromise. I once heard about a mother who tried really hard to think out of the box when it comes to motivating her child for the PSLE – she booked a hotel room to stay with her child for a week, so that both of them can focus on some serious revision with none of the distractions at home! Make sure you also deal with your own anxiety – remember you are the best role model your child has. Talking to another family member or friend about how you feel, finding time to exercise and let off some steam, practising deep breathing – these are all good ways to keep your anxiety in check and everyone in the family benefits.
Often, anxiety can be manifested somatically as gastrointestinal issues in children or headaches in adults, as well as other physical symptoms. Untreated anxiety may get worse and escalate into anxiety attacks. If the above suggestions are not working out, it may be time to see a doctor or seek professional help.