“My child refused to do anything I asked him to do!” “Why can’t my child follow routines?” “These are tasks my child can do in school, but why not at home?” If you are also a parent with young children at home, I am sure you find these complaints very familiar. As a mother, I can fully empathise.
First of all, if you think about it carefully, preschools do things a lot more differently than most parents would do at home. Notice how preschool teachers have a song for doing everything. If you want them to form a line, sing a “choo choo train” song. If you want them to wash hands, sing a “washing hands” song. If you want them to show appreciation for food, sing a “give thanks for food” song and there are so many more. Songs are a lovely way to gently let children know it is time to do something. Couple this with the fact that when everyone does the same thing together, it makes it seem much less like a chore and just easier to go along. Another key difference between school and home is that the children put on a uniform for school and that helps them to understand that they are playing a role where they are expected to behave in a certain way to fit in with the environment. And one amazing thing I have observed about good preschool teachers is really just the amount of patience and time they give the children. For e.g. during the arrival check-in, they smile and wait for a child to walk up, place their bag down, sit down on a stool, take their temperature, pick up their bag, let the child take off their socks and shoes independently, find the right cubby hole to place them, sanitise their hands and walk into class by themselves. This is a process that takes only 1 minute per child if an adult helped them. But instead, the teacher would smile and allow a child to do it independently at his/her own pace without rushing him/her with “Hurry up, we are late.”
Therefore, one of the things I might ask parent-clients to think about is, could the problem be solved by giving them a little more patience and time? Next, is what you are asking of your child reasonable and age-appropriate? Assuming that parents have indeed made sure of these points, perhaps what is needed are some light-hearted ways you may try to encourage compliance in young children.
1) For the younger ones, very often they are simply absorbed in what they are doing and do not hear what you are saying. Instead of giving remote control commands from 5 or 10 metres away, you can try to walk up right next to the child, gently tap them and speak while looking at them, “Hey, it is time to say goodnight to your toys and brush your teeth.” If there is any reluctance, you may like to lead them physically with gentle hands, “Come on, let’s hold hands and walk to the toilet together.”
2) For the 5, 6 yrs old, perhaps they might have heard you, but not really. They do not immediately register that their action is required right now, i.e. they acknowledge you with “yeah” or “ok”, but they don’t move. This is where you introduce the whispering voice (whisper the instruction into their ear) and the broken recorder voice (repeat the instruction non-stop like an automaton). Say, “Looks like talking to you in my normal voice is not working. So I am going to use my whispering voice/broken recorder voice to try again.”
3) Consider if the routine you want them to do is too complicated to follow, i.e. involving 4 or 5 steps. Instead, do scaffolding for them. Break down the routine into easier 1 or 2 steps, depending on their age. E.g. “Show me how to keep shoes in the cupboard…. (and if they can do it)… Well done! And now go to wash your hands.” And because walking is just too boring for an active child, challenge them to “hop all the way to the toilet to wash hands!”
4) For the 5, 6 yrs old, the good old rewards chart works wonders. Every time they successfully complete a goodnight routine or going to school routine, say encouraging things like “your breath smells so fresh and minty!” or “you look so smart in your school uniform!” Then let them stick a sticker on the chart by themselves and every 10 stickers can be exchanged for a small treat.
5) Inject humour and imagination into the situation. I always like the help of a “hardworking elf”. Either get an elf’s hat or paint an elf’s mask that your child can put on, which helps them to get into a role. Say, “Ooh. I see a big mess in front of me. I am going to close my eyes and count to 30. When I open them again, perhaps a hardworking elf would have kept everything away nice and tidy!” while helping your child to put on the hat or mask.
6) Another one I personally like is the help of my “supersonic eyes”. Say, “My supersonic eyes (make flashing action and robot sounds) can see bacteria all over your clothing, arms and legs! Quick! To the shower now!” or “My supersonic eyes see that the floor is still not clean! It’s going into high alert now. Quick! Grab wet wipes to clean it again!”
7) To take a leaf out of preschool teachers’ books, this is what you can do at home. Make several name card sized labels with the child’s profile photo and name. Stick it at the spot where his/her shoes should be kept, stick it at the shelf where his/her bag should be, stick it on the chair he/she normally sits on for meals. Doing this helps to act as a visual cue and direct a child’s attention to the correct place. This may also help to promote a sense of ownership/responsibility over his/her things.
8) If they are very reluctant to do something because it seems like too much work for them to do, such as packing up a big mess, take a leaf out of preschool teachers’ books again where it is “one for all, all for one”. Sing a clean-up song and rope in siblings and even yourself to do it together. Do not insist that “the person who made the mess must be responsible for cleaning up”.
9) For the 5, 6 yr olds, why not just have a good talk with them and ask, “It is so hard to get you to do _____________. Help me understand, which part of it is difficult for you and what can I do to encourage you?” Sometimes, you may be very surprised at what they tell you.
One or all the above tips should work well for most children. However, do keep in mind that a child is an individual who has his/her own personality traits and develops at their own pace. If it is his/her development that you are concerned about, which you think is causing the non-compliance and nothing seems to be working, you may wish to consider seeking professional opinion for the child and parental coaching to support you.