What would you do in the following situations?
1) You pick your 5 yr old son from school. The teacher informed you that he had taken a toy that other children wanted to play with and hidden it under a mat, so no one else could find it. The teacher managed to find it after much searching around.
a) Scold your son and tell him that it is wrong of him to do that. If he wants that toy, you can easily buy it for him. You give him a punishment by taking away his snacks for the day so that he would learn his lesson and not do something like that again.
b) Ask him why he did that. Tell him that you understand it was a difficult situation he was in (e.g. nobody would give him a turn at playing) and give him a hug. You then explain to him that regardless of his reason, hiding a toy that is meant to be shared is wrong behaviour. Suggest an alternative he can do when he is in a similar situation again.
c) You do not say/do anything about it. Since the toy had been found, it does not seem like a big deal.
2) It is Saturday morning. Your two children have swimming lessons and are about to be late. You are in a hurry for everyone to get ready and out of the house. You open the door to your 7 yr old daughter’s room and see her doing nothing, bag still unpacked.
a) Shout at her, “What do you think you are doing?! I have been telling you since after breakfast! Are you deaf? Get your stuff ready now, or else you can forget about going to your friend’s house tomorrow!”
b) Tell her that it is rude to be late for a class and that you require her immediate cooperation. Ask her how much time she would need to get ready and negotiate with her if necessary (e.g. not 10 minutes, but maybe 7 minutes is acceptable). Set a timer and wait at the door for her.
c) Sigh and say “Come on, girl, not again, this happens every week!”
3) There are 2 weeks left to your 9 yr old son’s year-end exams. You think he should be spending his time on revision, but instead he has been playing computer games for the last two hours.
a) Get angry with him and tell him to stop playing right now. If he does not get at least 90 marks and above for all his subjects in this exam, you will ban him from computer games for a whole month.
b) Tell him that two hours of playing is already a long time and that you are afraid he is not spending enough effort on revision. Discuss and agree on a daily timetable till exams are over. If he has followed the timetable well after a week, you will bring him out for a special meal.
c) Say “Enough playing. Isn’t it time to do some work?”
Baumrind was a psychologist who is well known for her pioneering research on parenting styles. She initially identified three parenting styles – namely the authoritarian, authoritative and permissive styles. Other researchers who later expanded on her work included a fourth style named the neglectful style. According to Baumrind, the authoritative style of parenting is characterised by both a high level of warmth/support and a high level of demandingness. Rules and boundaries are clear, yet flexible. It is the gold standard of parenting that has been shown to lead to higher self-esteem in a child, higher levels of morality, social responsibility and pro-social behaviour, higher achievement and school competence, greater resistance to peer pressure amongst many other positive outcomes (Asmussen, 2011).
If you have selected ‘a’ to a question above, that belongs to the authoritarian style of parenting. If you have selected ‘b’ to a question above, that belongs to the authoritative style. If you have selected ‘c’ to a question above, that belongs to a permissive style. Understandably, you may also find yourself employing different styles of parenting in different situations, but the idea is to keep practising until you can consistently employ the gold standard.
Would you like to learn more about the authoritative parenting style and find out how you can change yours?